If Moms had Blogs

I'm not referring to every person who has given birth, but to those parents who lovingly await the arrival of their child(ren). Don't we all start off wanting the best for our child? Don't we hope to be the best parents ever or at least not repeat the mistakes we believe our parents made?

When my daughter was small, I loved being a mom. I even thought I was pretty good at it. I'd heard that the teen years could be rough, but I braced myself and knew I'd get through it. I understood the teen rebellion, the need to carve out a place of your own in the world and separate from your parents, and of letting her become her own person. For the first couple of years I did okay -- I let the "I hate you's" roll off my back as part of normal tween development. I used firm discipline when she fell off the tracks of respectable behavior, trying to "teach" her the lessons of life in a nurturing way.

As an early childhood professional, I've always believed that the first three years of life are developmentally important. This is when children learn values, behavior, the basics of life. I always believed in this poem...

"Children Learn what they Live"

If a child lives with criticism,
He learns to condemn.

If a child lives with hostility,
He learns to fight.

If a child lives with ridicule,
He learns to feel shy.

If a child lives with shame,
He learns to feel guilty.

BUT

If a child lives with tolerance,
He learns to be patient.

If a child lives with encouragement,
He learns confidence.

If a child lives with praise,
He learns to appreciate.

If a child lives with fairness,
He learns justice.

If a child lives with security,
He learns to have faith.

If a child lives with approval,
He learns to like himself.

If a child lives with acceptance and friendship,
He learns to find love in the world.


Now I don't believe it all. Having showed my daughter respect somehow taught her that she deserves respect, but can treat others poorly -- friends and family. She actually does almost the exact opposite of everything we've tried to show or do for her. She thinks she deserves all the good, but has not learned to give it back yet.

What about those children who grow up in terrible circumstances and are caring, compassionate, and go on to do such great things? If this poem were true, that wouldn't be possible. I think it is important to do the best you can do, but don't beat yourself up (like I did at first) when your child takes a different path than you planned.

In family counseling, a counselor once told me that she is her own person with her own personality and probably will not change much as an adult, and I can't really do anything to change that reality. It was at that point I mourned the loss of my daughter or the memory of who she was when she was young. It took a long time to accept her as she is and to forget who she used to be. When I finally let go of that and stopped waiting for her to "come back", things got easier.
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